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mood |
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 Stupid.
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music |
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SOAD - Thetawaves |
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Oh my god, I'm stupid. When I drink, I become a person that I hate. I HATE IT!
I don't turn into my dad, and I'm not turning into my dad at all. I'm someomene different, totally, but I can
understand what he's thinking and what's going through his head when he drinks. We're the "sorry" kinda drunks.
Its like the person you care about is pissed b/c you did something stupid like just got drunk in my dad's case or
got drunk and then became jealous and insecure in my case. When that happens you want to drink more. When you
drink more it gets worse. You just want it to end. The worse you feel, the more you try to bury yourself in
vodka. You keep going till you can't. You keep going until you're pissed at yourself. At that point, you're
probably ready to pass out and do. And wake up to face the consequences of your actions and try to apologize.
For my dad and myself, the
There was a pause at this point because I started crying. I still crying actually.
As for my dad and myself, the best thing we could do for both ourselves and the women that we care for is to just
stay sober. I'm starting to feel my father's pain. I really am, only he's to proud to sit here and spill his
guts to everyone, but I'm not. That's the reason why I'm crying... Right now, I'm closer to being inside my dad's
head than my mom or my sister have ever been. I know how it is now. I don't understand why he goes out and
seemingly drinks for no reason. That's probably where the alcoholism disease comes into play, but as for when
he does something stupid he'll drown himself in vodka. Sometimes he just wants to have a drink, so he'll go
get a bottle from the store and hide it outside and get drunk at home. But there's some sort of stigma on
alchol at that house, so when she finds out she'll yell and that'll make him go drink more. She says that she
wouldn't mind if he could just stay at home and get drunk there. Guess, what, he does and when she finds out, she
blows a fuse. That's about my father's circle of things. I'm not condoning the things he's done to my mom, sister
and myself, but I can at least say that sometimes I understand what he does and why he does it.
I didn't mean for this entry to turn out like it did so far. I meant to say that
I hate the person that I become when I drink and so does Krista, so I'm going to learn from my dad's example and
stop, but then I heard my mother's words echoing through my head "I hate the person he is when he drinks." (Here's
a hint mom: so does he.) Right, so back to the original intent of this entry, to ramble about what happened last night,
but I'm sure that you can infer what happened through my story about my dad. I got drunk, I got slightly jealous, I got
pissed b/c my friends were making fun of me and so I punched a wall. I did something stupid. B/c I did something stupid,
and I know that she sees that and got mad at that, I got mad at myself, so I wanted to drink more and do some more
stupid things. See? Its a visous circle.
I had a lot more written, but my computer crashed and I lost it. The reason why I got emotional
earlier is b/c as I was writing all of this I equated myself to my father, I put myself in his shoes and I honestly feel like
I understand some of what goes through his head and why he does the things he does. See my mom and sister and myself look down
at him for the things he does and doesn't do and that just makes him want to drown himself in cheap vodka. As I was typing my own
story, I realized that this is also part of my dad's story. It's quite a kick in the face to realize that you can equate youself
to the person that you've been putting down. So then I equated my mom to Krista. They put up with the drunken part of us b/c they
like and want to see the sober side of us. As for my dad, when he's sober, she's really proud of himself. All he needs is just a
little pat on the back and someone to say "I'm proud of you" and he'll want to get all of that he can. The more he realizes that
people love him when he's sober, the less he'll want to drink. I know, I'm more closely walking in those shoes that my mom or sister.
They only have the outside point of view, so it's limited. But although I can't say that I'm totally in his head and understand
everything that he's done, I can look him in the face and tell him "I understand."
I'm telling the story like I'm an alki myself. I'm not. I'm just young. My friends drink more often than
me and more heavily than I do, but I have a low tolerance, so I get drunk faster. Which makes me seem like the one with a problem. If
frequency and amount relates to a problem, then I'm at the bottom of the chain among my friends, sweetie. ANYWAY, I'm doing myself and
a few other people a huge favor by saying "I quit." I'm not drinking anymore for a while. I like the person that I am while sober
and so does Krista. If nothing else, because I can't live with myself if other people hate me b/c I'm drunk. I have a life to live,
things to do and people to care about. I'm done.
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Headache.